What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 00:08
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
What is the worst emotional pain you ever felt as an adult?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was very sick at this time too.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
'Classmates threw Snickers at me to test my peanut anaphylaxis' - BBC
Ive learnt so much.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
If there exists a “New York of Australia”, is it Sydney or Melbourne?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The Simple Rule That Seems To Govern How Life Is Organized On Earth - IFLScience
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It was going to be , some day.
Japanese queue for hours as rice shortage deepens - Financial Times
I was seconnd youngest,
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Does having the wrong address on my car insurance invalidate my policy?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Was to survive, this bastard.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I write beautiful poetry .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
What would happen if Kakashi and Naruto switched places?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But, we were locked up after school.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is soul school!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So whats the point in blame.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We all went to grammer schools
Put me off passion for life!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was in good health!
Would this be the day?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was scared of men, in general
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She married twice! .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Who then, do I blame.?
Especially a lifetime of it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I said to her
All the time i was locked up.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My life is so biszare .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She found it foreign!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I waited trembling.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He knew the spot.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She loved him until the end.
She wouldn,t have been !
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I don,t even have a pension.
One cannot live in the past .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I have no regrets .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
When she asked me how she looked .
My family never makes their pension either.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Comes on , in middle age.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But it wasn’t much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was 9 years of age.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And i lived it daily.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So, i spoilt her more .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We were not on the streets..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
What did i know ?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I will be 64.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im still living with it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.